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Ramblings of the depraved.....
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Just between you and I
Posted:Sep 26, 2016 5:20 pm
Last Updated:May 25, 2020 5:44 pm
1 comment , 28 Pending
And.... She's off!
Posted:May 31, 2020 3:00 pm
Last Updated:May 31, 2020 5:20 pm

The Spawn is spending the week with her BFF.... The one who lives hours away.

She's lucky I love the little shit, and the BFF too, cause I drove an hour and a half just to meet the other Mom half way.

I think that might just put me in the running for Mother of the Year.

Perhaps a parade thrown in my honor??

But, I digress....

So, I did decide to see if I could find another online yoga class today.

This time I tried Yoga Stretches for Flexibility... My legs are currently rubber, but I managed to do the whole 30 minute class out on my balcony.

It was amazing...

Except for the barking beneath me and the brief moments I wanted to die.

A very important discovery was made as a result of my online balcony yoga. I am NOT flexible.

This is going to take some work.
Posted:May 30, 2020 3:26 pm
Last Updated:May 31, 2020 4:24 pm

It's us!

Your hatchlings have come home roost.

I was sitting the balcony when I heard a knock on the door. Like always, I hovered over the peep hole see who was out there.


Someone had placed their hand over the peep hole. With my eyes narrowed, I stood back and waited to see what was going to happen. When I heard the keys jingling I knew it was my middle .

The deadbolt slowly turned and the door quietly opened a crack, allowing two sets of eyes to peer through the crack.

"Ha! Got you!!"

I was prepared, waiting on the other side of the door, waiting to scare them.

"At least you've got pants on this time."

"You're lucky I'm not naked."

The Spawn rolled her eyes and walked in, throwing all her crap on the floor in front of the door.

"[Spawn] wanted to come home. So did I."

I wanted them to come home too. I feel a lot less alone in the world when I have them around me.
Sleep eludes me tonight....
Posted:May 29, 2020 11:22 pm
Last Updated:May 30, 2020 2:55 pm

It's 1:58 am and I'm wide awake.

My thoughts are everywhere, and nowhere, at once.

I hate this feeling.

That feeling of... I can't even really describe it. Sorrow? Uncertainty? Trepidation?

A mixture of all .

It's the feeling I get when my anxiety is high, that feeling of being out of sorts and unable figure out what is wrong so I can right it.

I can only hope it passes soon.
The Break In
Posted:May 29, 2020 3:43 am
Last Updated:May 30, 2020 10:05 pm

I awoke in terror last night.

Something had tickled my face, startling me.

Half asleep.... Half awake.... I brushed at it thinking it was probably a stray section of hair that had fallen across my face. My hair is getting pretty long again and I am a side sleeper.... Then I felt it again.

I opened my eyes and screamed in terror, I was not alone.

Nobody is prepared for a moment like this, no matter how tough, how brave. Every instinct in my body screamed 'FLEE', yet, I was frozen in place.

I couldn't even blink.

It moved it's leg and suddenly my trance was broken. Hopping out of bed, I screamed again at the giant spider that was now crawling across my pillow.

"Oh MY God! Oh My God! Oh My God!"

Both were at their dad's house, it was just me left to take care of this monster. I'm not certain, but I'm pretty sure I could see it holding a can of Muscle Milk and random weight.

Grabbing a paper lunch sack, I stuck it in front of the spider and slid it under it's legs, forcing it in, immediately rolling the top down. Bag and all, I threw the spider over my balcony into the yard.

This fucking thing was huge.

I have seen large wolf spiders before, they are all equally disgrossting and make my skin crawl... But this one is by far the biggest one I've ever seen. I may never sleep again.
There is a time and place for everything.
Posted:May 28, 2020 3:10 pm
Last Updated:May 30, 2020 5:41 pm

However, this is neither the time nor the place for your hoochie momma shorts and tank top.

Imagine my surprise when I went to collect the new employee for onboarding and there she stood, half naked, like she just stopped in to pick up a bottled water on the way to the beach.


What the fuck are you thinking?! This is a WORK day.

"Hi, are you [new employee]?"


"Ok, I'm going to start with this real quick, and then we are going to head back to do our intake questions and have our temp taken. This is technically a work day for you as you are being paid to come in and onboard with me. That said, you are dressed inappropriately for work today. I will go over the dress code policy with you in more detail in a bit, but tomorrow when you come to do orientation, I will expect you to be within dress code guidelines or I will need to send you home."


"When they called me on the phone they didn't say anything about how I should dress...."

Um, you can't figure this one out on your own?

All eyes were on us as I walked her to the back room to do her intake questions and get her temp taken. You could have heard a pin drop.

Everyone was wondering whether or not I would send her home.

Ultimately, I chose not to. The onboarding process takes a half hour to 45 minutes and I didn't really have time to dink around with her later. As I told Boss #2, apparently the time has come that I have to be specific over the phone that appropriate work attire is expected when you onboard and when you attend orientation.

It was quite the topic of conversation for quite a while.

It's pretty sad when I have to tell a new employee that rips and tears are not acceptable work attire, that clothing can not have fading in inappropriate areas, and that you must come to work wearing clothing that covers your fucking ass cheeks.

We're working with the public here, people!

On an unrelated topic.... I'm beginning to wonder if Nose Hairs has been reading this blog on the sly. His comment about the Advil today... Kind of has me wondering.
The Bathroom Conversationalist
Posted:May 27, 2020 3:24 am
Last Updated:May 29, 2020 11:51 pm

We've all encountered this at some point or another.

"Hi! I was just thinking about you!"


"No, I'm not busy, just sitting here."


"That? It's just the air dryer, I'm in the bathroom right now."

It's been a while, but the bathroom conversationalist was in the bathroom yesterday when I walked in. The phone was on speaker and she was taking a shit while talking her husband.

"Hold on, someone just walked in..."

It remained silent for a bit.

What the hell is going on here? I refuse piss on speaker phone and there was no way I could hold off any longer.

"Please end your call so I can take care of what I need take care of."

My patience was thin as my head was aching, I was over heated, and I wanted just rip my fucking mask off my face.

"Sorry, I'm not done with my conversation, I'm just trying not be rude."

"The polite thing would be give my privacy, end your call, and allow pee."

The husband piped up at this point and said he would call back, and the call ended. She quickly wrapped up her business, visibly irritated, and washed her hands with vigor.

Here's the thing people...

Some things are meant be done in private.

Going the bathroom.... PRIVATE.

Phone conversations.... unless I'm the one on the other end of the conversation.... PRIVATE.

And, for God's sake, DON'T COMBINE THE !
Reunited... And it feels so good.
Posted:May 26, 2020 4:06 pm
Last Updated:May 28, 2020 4:53 pm

Yah.... I'm actually not crazy about this song.

It's a fitting title for my post, though, so I'm going with it!

Now that my are spending the weekends at their dad's house, there has become a familiar routine when we all come together again.


Forty five minutes of complete insanity and 16 conversations happening at the same time.

Today was no exception.

I was home long enough to turn on the air and start to change out of my work clothes when someone started knocking on the door.


I put my shirt back and and went to spy through the peep hole to see who was out there.

"Why are you knocking on the door? It's not even locked!!" Damn .

"OMG, your neck is so red?" The Spawn immediately noticed my sunburn.

"Yah, I'm an official redneck now. Proud??" The little shit just threw her bag, her shoes, and a bunch of string on the floor in front of the door.

"I got so wet at work today." Middle is smiling and nodding his head, like it's a right of passage.

"Did you bring my flip flops?" Dammit, I left my flip flops on the porch at their dad's on Sunday.

"Renegade" The Spawn is dancing a circle around me while I point at her shit and give her the 'pick that shit up or die' look.

"The dirty hobo smelled like rotten socks and my mother didn't like it...." A robotic voice was coming from someones phone.

"Dirty hobo??" What the hell am I hearing??

"I don't like those donuts. Why didn't you buy the cake donuts?" Middle is already eyeballing the snack food.

"My Roblox character was kidnapped." The Spawn is dancing and singing about the dirty hobo.

"You guys are the reason I drink."

"Really mom?!?" The Spawn is rolling her eyes. "I love you too."

"I might love you back if you take care of that pile of CRAP you just left in front of the door."

"Hmmm.... I guess I can like this donut after all." Middle is wiping chocolate from his face.

"Dammit, I guess I've got to love you now." Without picking it up, the Spawn is kicking her stuff down the hall into her bedroom.

"It's too late Mom. We already know you love us, can't back out now."

Crap... She's right.

Happy Monday!
Akin to a Picture
Posted:May 25, 2020 5:36 pm
Last Updated:May 26, 2020 4:11 pm
It's Memorial Day.... And I began my morning talking with a coworker who lost her 4 years ago in Iraq. I knew, when I popped on to FB and saw all her pictures posted, she just needed an ear.

Losing a is never easy, no matter what the circumstance, no matter what the age.

It was an emotional talk, and I needed to break free... So I headed to Lake Michigan, my happy place.

Every year a different beach, a different water level, a different set of new experiences.

I have to say, I am happy to see some beach again!

I had walked quite a way down the beach when I saw this....

It spoke to me.

Clinging to life, trying to make the best of it's current situation.... Hanging on by threads. Tough enough to remain upright, with it's branches held high, very much like myself and a lot of people I know.

To all you veterans out there... Thank you for your service. I do know that it is you and your families who make the ultimate sacrifice.

And, because I thought you might like them... A few pics from my journey.

And I present to you....
Posted:May 24, 2020 3:35 am
Last Updated:May 25, 2020 5:09 pm
Headlight Lashes!!

For those moments when that giant, silver, work utility truck just isn't girly enough.

It's the female equivilent truck nuts...

I parked next this thing when I was doing my rolling stop grocery pick yesterday. Behind the wheel of this truck was this tiny little woman yelling into her cell phone on speaker.

Cliches everywhere.... Too many to count.... Must move on....

I've heard this logic from quite a few women. "I just don't feel safe unless I'm driving a big truck."

Really? Unsafe you say....

Where, exactly, are you driving? It must be a bitch driving those 10 paved miles to get to Wallyworld to curbside pick your weeks worth of groceries.

Who are you encountering the way? Are there Somali pirates out there getting ready pillage your haul for toilet paper and sanitizer wipes? I'll bet if you blink those giant, pink headlight lashes at them they'll blush and turn away....

I'll be honest, when I think safety, I'm thinking air bags and remote sensing. I look at my car and I shield my eyes from the glow of safety....

When I get too close to something, it brakes for me. When I go to back and the cameras see something, it beeps at me. If I don't have my seat belt on when I take it out of park, it yells at me. If, for some reason, I still managed somehow wreck my car, my car will call for help using a remote link from my dashboard screen.

In this, I feel safe.

And those are my Sunday morning thoughts.... Happy Sunday!
The sun is shining, the birds are singing....
Posted:May 23, 2020 7:07 am
Last Updated:May 24, 2020 9:04 pm

I have become the most hated person on earth as I have told the Spawn she cannot go downstate and spend the week with her friend.

She still has school next wee

We ALL know I've been struggling with this home school crap.... The last thing I want do is lessen my resolve on the whole thing. Perhaps if she'd been diligent and did her work when she was supposed , and not lied ... It could be a very different scenario.

Thankfully she is at her dad's house for the weekend so I don't have put up with her grouching around the apartment and being a complete menace society.

I spent my morning getting my balcony back into shape.... I just love summer flowers and miss having an actual place of my own sometimes.

I would plant flowers everywhere...

Here, I'm limited to my balcony, so I make the most of it. It takes me a while to get it just the way I like it each year, so I tend to take my time getting just want I want for each planter.

Yesterday, I got the geraniums.

It's already looking like an extra living space out there.... Can't wait to get it finished so I can enjoy a morning coffee on the antigravity chair.
Single handedly pissing off the world, one person at a time.
Posted:May 22, 2020 3:39 pm
Last Updated:May 25, 2020 5:40 pm

So, yah....

I was on lunch today listening to a coworker loudly ranting about how there are people out there that think this COVID-19 thing is being drastically blown out of proportion.

I raised my hand.

"You think that too?!"

He pretty much yelled it at me.

"Yep. I fully believe there is something to be worried about, and we should be doing what we can to remain healthy and safe, but I don't think we are going about this the right way."

He was outraged, threw his arms up in the air, and started yelling.

"Don't get all upset and mad at me, I'm not forcing my opinion on you. I'm just saying, it kind of feels to me like all this focus was meant to distract us from something else."

I resonded to him in a soothing tone, not argumentative, and I was surprised to hear the three other coworkers who were in the breakroom with us agree with me. We all agreed that COVID-19 was something to be concerned about, but shutting down the United States of America wasn't going to eliminate the disease.

I changed the conversation at that point, but he didn't stick around for long.

On an unrelated side note: I'm listening to my downstairs neighbor complaining right now to another neighbor. She's apparently "had it" with the apartments and is planning on moving.

Woo Hoo!

Apparently whoever is filling in for apartment manager is getting on her case for her multitude of animals and smoking.
The Foremost Authority
Posted:May 22, 2020 2:27 am
Last Updated:May 24, 2020 12:34 pm

We ALL have this coworker....

The one who has done everything, seen everything, worn every shirt. Every experience this coworker has ever had eclipses any story you have to share.

Fuck this coworker.

I was in the breakroom yesterday, taking an ibuprofin, as I now experience a nearly daily headache. The combination of not wearing my glasses, wearing glasses that are fogged up, and having the constant pulling at me ears from the mask is just killing me.

"You know, ibuprofin is bad for you. You should be taking Tylenol. With everything that is going on, I can't believe you're taking an ibuprofin."

Yah.... This coming from the Foremost Authority, the one wearing TWO masks because the 'downstater customers' keep getting in her face.

"I distinctly remember, not that long ago, you saw me taking a Tylenol and, if I'm not mistaken, you lectured me on how Tylenol was bad for my liver...."

She just stood there.

"Now , correct me if I'm wrong, but, didn't I laugh and say give it a few weeks and suddenly we'll need to star taking Tylenol again? That everything is bad for you at some point?"

She did NOT like my response.

"This is different! This is a matter of life and death....."

I continued to receive the lecture from the crazy woman wearing two masks, one of which was taped to her face with medical tape.

Because, you know.... She's the Foremost Authority.

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