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Ramblings of the depraved.....
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Just between you and I
Posted:Sep 26, 2016 5:20 pm
Last Updated:Feb 21, 2020 3:17 pm
1 comment , 18 Pending
Scum Mom of the Year
Posted:Feb 27, 2020 6:05 pm
Last Updated:Feb 28, 2020 2:20 am

And the award goes to....


I feel like such an asshole.

I woke up at 3 o'clock this morning and have been up ever since. Needless to say, I'm a little tired tonight...

Not really sleepy tired, just worn out.

I had to facilitate an orientation today for new employees, something I like to do, but also something that wears me out. It's fours hours of power point presentations and thinking on the spot as new employees are always full of questions.

The spawn was being a shit tonight on top of it all. It's like she turned 12 and every single thing about her has changed. Anything I thought I knew has totally went out the window.

Tonight was nothing but attitude and talk back.

I ended up going to the gym by myself and then going grocery shopping immediately after because the spawn declared "Face it mom, you neglect me."

The little shit....

With my arms full of bags, I trucked my tired legs up the stairs, down the hall, to the apartment door and knock on it, hoping the spawn would open it.


The door across the hall from me opened.... And a guy just stood there watching me as I tried to fumble through my purse to find the door key, hands clutching a bunch of plastic bag handles.

I finally found them, and with my left hand somehow managed to get the key into the lock and turned to open the door.

And THAT'S when I finally lost my shit.

There sat the spawn on the end of the couch watching me as I collapsed through the door and dropped every single bag.

"Why in the HELL didn't you open the fucking door for me??? What the HELL is wrong with you???"

"You told me not to open the door for anyone."

"I'm your fucking mother, I called your fucking name!!"

I was so pissed. I made her finish bringing up the groceries and put them away while crying giant tears and exclaiming she couldn't understand why I was mad at her. Claiming I never called out her name.

And now I feel bad.

I don't yell at my like this, I never have. I don't hit them. I don't really punish them.

We have a lot of conversations.

I tell them when I'm disappointed in them and ask them if they understand why. I make them explain things to me, like what was or was not going through their mind when they chose to make a bad decision. I make them look me in the eye when we're speaking.

I would not want my to scream at their own in that way. What kind of an example am I setting....

So, I am now off, to go have a conversation with the spawn.

Strike that....

She's coming to me, even as I type this, wanting to apologize.

I still feel like the scum mom of the year.
And the crazy gym stalker is.....
Posted:Feb 26, 2020 5:50 pm
Last Updated:Feb 27, 2020 5:16 pm

My spawn had told on a couple of difference occasions after we went to the that there was a "crazy stalker" who kept staring .

Now, I don't really attention to what other people are doing at the and I don't really around and stare people because I know how uncomfortable I feel when people do that to .

So, I never noticed anyone or anything of the ordinary.

Fast forward to today.....

I got off the treadmill and wiped down my machine, glancing over the spawn. She was doing some crazy exaggerated eye movements and point to her left, so I looked to her left.

And, there he stood.

Someone I knew.

The spawn was all but pointing and yelling "There he is" while I was changing my shoes, I couldn't get of there fast enough.

"So, that's my stalker, huh..." I whispered as we were headed to the car.

". Did you see all his tattoos? He was staring at you the minute he walked in. He only looked away when I looked at him."

I pretended to not know who it was.

I do know why he was staring.

We met years ago and he couldn't stop talking about how much I looked, talked, and acted like a girlfriend he had dated. We ended up fucking and during the whole thing he kept saying "Look at ."

It was awkward, and never happened again... In fact, I think we only talked once after that.

And now, there he is again.

He must remember who I am.... Thankfully we don't end up going to the the same time very often. It's also a blessing that he's a super fit, muscle guy so he spends his time on the weight machines, which I'm guessing, is the reason I never noticed him before. I've been focusing more on cardio stuff so I've been using the elliptical, treadmill, and bike every time.

I'm not quite sure what to do now.

Do I just continue on, pretending to not know him?

I guess I'll cross that bridge when it comes. He hasn't approached me at all, or gone of his way to be noticed. I guess I'll just have to see what happens. Who knows, maybe he was able to decipher my spawns thinly veiled attempt at subtlety in pointing him and will avoid going forward.

I can only hope.
Burnt Rubber and Parmesan Cheese
Posted:Feb 25, 2020 3:00 pm
Last Updated:Feb 27, 2020 2:05 am

"It smells like feet back here...." I was sniffing around my office and outside the door to find out what the heck smelled back by the offices.

"I don't smell anything." Deputy Don was passing through on his way to his office.

"Hmmm... Maybe I'm just imagining things." I was pretty sure I could smell something, but I didn't really care enough to continue to talk about it.

We chatted for a few minutes as I was getting ready to leave for the day. I shut down my computer, locked up my filing cabinets, changed out of my work shoes into my winter boots to leave for the night....

"Weren't you saying you could smell feet earlier?" Deputy Don was looking down at the corner of my desk where I had tucked my shoes under.

"Can you smell my shoes?" I burst out laughing. The look on his face was priceless. "Those ARE work shoes, you know. And, my feet were in them before, I wouldn't have been able to smell them yet."

He just looked at me and wrinkled up his nose.

"I think you're right, you should get a new pair of work shoes." He was laughing hard enough that I almost couldn't understand him. We were talking earlier today about how I needed to get some new work shoes.

Which made me think of the Hippie, oddly enough.

I've always had issues with my work shoes.... Maybe because they're usually leather, or maybe because I'm on my feet quite a bit of the day, or maybe because I have sweaty feet.....

Who knows?!?

But, my work shoes are usually disgusto enough that I keep it a secret until I have dated someone long enough that I feel confident they can overlook this fatal flaw until I reveal to them, at the end of my work day I have swamp foot.

It was the Hippie who had said to me one day, you've had a rough day. Let me rub your feet.

I immediately declined...

But he was persistent. I told him I had work shoes on all day and my feet were gross.

How bad can they be? He thought I was exaggerating.

"Um, yep. Burnt rubber and Parmesan."

And he still rubbed my feet.

This became a running joke with us. From that moment forward he would refer to my feet as burnt rubbers. "Give me your burn rubbers, I'll rub them for you."
If I could pluck out my eyes to unsee the sight I just saw....
Posted:Feb 24, 2020 2:55 pm
Last Updated:Feb 25, 2020 2:29 pm

I would.

I accidentally spilled some coffee grounds on my table cloth so I decided just shake it out over the balcony.

In my usual 'if it can go wrong it does' fashion, the table cloth flew out of my hand and landed on the ground in front of my downstairs neighbor's apartment. Thinking nothing of it, I ran downstairs and out the door grab the cloth.

Movement caught me off guard from the corner of my eye so I looked up.

my horror, I saw my downstairs neighbor, topless, holding a , with a cigarette dangling out of her mouth. Her tits looked like partially deflated clown balloons that hadn't been twisted into a balloon animal yet.

This image will likely haunt for the rest of my life.
Things I Have Noticed
Posted:Feb 24, 2020 2:40 am
Last Updated:Feb 25, 2020 3:49 am

Dollar stores.... Highly under rated by me! Where else can you stop in immediately after going to the gym, sweaty and gross, and fit in? Last night I stopped in and bought toilet paper, dish soap, and Clorox wipes for $6.31. Craziness!

The Gym Rats.... There are 3, sometimes 4, young men that have started frequenting the gym while I am there. They all show up in 1 truck, hog all the equipment while they aren't actually using it and chat, playing on their phones, and make fun of everyone in the gym. I hate The Gym Rats.

The power of a sunny day.... It was such a beautiful, sunny day yesterday. The spawn and I trekked and spent most of the day on the road, travelling to our favorite summertime destinations. There is open water by the Bridge, the dunes separating the road and the water at Sturgeon Bay are smaller than I've ever seen them, and the water level in Lake Michigan continues to be super high.

The BK in Mackinaw is now closed.... It felt like almost the end of an era when I discovered that yesterday. A million and one hung over Sunday mornings were spent hitting the drive thru at the Mackinaw BK. It had become a regular thing for the Hippie and I.... BK breakfast at the lighthouse by the bridge, watching the people on vacation mill about. It was a sign that my time with the Hippie is now past.

The older your get, the more they know better, the worse they are.... Before I left yesterday I cleaned the kitchen. All dishes washed, everything wiped down. I returned to find my stove covered in dirty pans and a sink full of dirty dishes. The only person home yesterday was my year old ..... "But, I took the garbage , mom."

Lastly... When I'm feeling good, it's a good day. Pure and simple. Hope you had a good day yesterday as well.
Picture it....
Posted:Feb 22, 2020 5:15 pm
Last Updated:Feb 24, 2020 2:41 am

Friday night.

Motel with a parking lot packed full of trucks and snowmobile trailers.

You enter the door and start to ascend a poorly cleaned carpeted staircase that is missing a patch of carpet. You reach the landing and look down, there is a Pepsi can in the potted plant.

What fresh hell am I stepping into?

You make your way down a barren hallway blanketed with well-worn carpet and find your room.

Upon entering you immediately see the bare bulbs blazing your eyes as you flip the light switch, an end table has been placed under the hangers that are to your right.

Every hanger is different from the next.

The bed spreads are a psychedelic floral pattern of reds, purples, and greens straight out of the 70's and every piece of furniture in the room is mismatched, not even the chairs match each other.


The windows appear to have had someone attempt to clean them, the smears are there. They must have used the same cloth to clean the mirror.

You sit on the bed closest the window and look toward the door. There is a rectangular hole cut into the wall behind the round smoke detector. Behind the dresser is a partially concealed Orkin mouse trap, the sticky kind.

Thankfully there is not a mouse present.

I had thought the motel I spent the night in when I was in Tennessee was terrible. Even after the woman in the office cleaned it, it still had a bobby pin full of hair behind the bathroom door....

I whole heartedly feel this room has stolen the honor of being the worst motel room I have ever seen.

My Ex-Mother in Law
Posted:Feb 21, 2020 3:01 pm
Last Updated:Feb 23, 2020 12:04 pm

I had a funny post all thought out for today.... I'm going to save it for another time, though.

My after work routine always starts out with stopping at my ex-husband's house to pick up my . We decided long ago that the would get off the bus at his house each day so he would have the ability to see them often.

While there are times he is the last person on earth I want to see, the love him and he does deserve to see them as much as possible, so we make it work.

Today was no exception.

I got off work and headed over to this house. When I pulled into the driveway I saw an unfamiliar car, my first thought was that the white trash girlfriend had bought a new car.

Just great....

I was pleasantly surprised to see that it was my ex-mother in law.

"Oh, Hi! "

"Hello!" She was all smiley, but I could tell she didn't quite recognize me. Her memory has been slipping more lately, but I could see I seemed familiar.

"Do you remember?"

"No, you look familiar though." She was still smiling big at me. My ex-sister in law was sitting next to her on the couch, and she gently asked her who she was just talking about, she had just said my name.

"It's [secret_lade]." I smiled back when I saw her face light up.

"Ooooh!" She got up and started shuffling toward me, outstretched arms. I closed the distance between her and I leaned down to hug her. "Where are you working now?"

I told her where I was working, and what my title was.

"Oooh! That's a good job! You always were a hard worker, I never had to worry about you." She started to shuffle back to her seat on the couch, then turned to look at me again. "Where do you work at now?"

Once again, with the same excitement and tone that I used the first time, I smiled and told her where I was working and what my title was.

"Oooh! That's a good job!"

"Yep! It's one of the better jobs I've had."

Still smiling, I watched her take her seat on the couch. I saw my ex-husband wipe his eyes, he was getting teary eyed. We talked for a few minutes more and I told her I was so happy to see her.

And, I genuinely was.

For a very long time, my ex-mother in law was a very big part of our life. Every Sunday was spent at her home. Every holiday. Every soccer game, she was there. Every hockey game, she was there. Every Christmas program, she was there. Every single birthday from the moment I turned 18, she was there.

My ex-husband is a very emotional person, and the tears were streaming when he walked me to the door. I hugged him too, before I left.

"She looks good! Whether she recognizes people now, or not, doesn't matter. She still remembers them."

"Thank you [secret_lade]."

And then, we were off.

I'm not going to lie, I'm feeling a tad emotional tonight.

This woman would infuriate me a times, and treated me like a at times.... But she was ALWAYS a pillar or strength that I could count on.

I'm so glad to still have her be excited to see me and smile.
Single Parent Thoughts
Posted:Feb 20, 2020 7:12 pm
Last Updated:Feb 23, 2020 6:12 pm

I'm feeling bothered tonight....

There are times when I really wish I could give my everything. The latest tech gadgets, the most trendy clothing, the coolest experiences....

But, I can't.

Don't get me wrong, they get a lot. Even as I sit here typing this my spawn is wearing a $17 Nike headband and asking me if I like her gold earrings that her dad bought her.

She definitely doesn't go without....

But, there are times, like earlier tonight, that I just wish I could do more.

We were leaving the gym and she was asking me if I saw the who was on the treadmill. I didn't notice her, but it didn't really matter, because I didn't like the conversation that was about to take place.

My spawn was waiting for me to get done, sitting on the couch, listening to something on her phone with the ear buds that came with her phone.

This was not a cheap phone, I'm the one with the cheap phone, she's got an Iphone.

Well, the that was on the treadmill had apparently been wearing air pods and looked at my spawn and smirked at her...

We all know the smirk.

The smirk that says look at you, you poor white trash, listening to your music on 'wired' ear buds.

I immediately felt crushed.

I apologized to her.... And told her I wished I could do more sometimes.

I'll never forget her defiant little response back to me.

"Mom, it's ok! She's just a rich . I'm much more popular. Besides, we're tough and independent."

I knew then, I must be doing something right. Tough and independent.... I say this a lot.

We're tough and independent, we take care of ourselves!

But, it sure would be nice if stuff like that didn't make me feel like such a terrible Mom.
Better wear your underwear.
Posted:Feb 20, 2020 3:41 am
Last Updated:Feb 21, 2020 2:11 pm

It's hilarious when Boss #1 speaks before he thinks.

Friendly faux pas?

A little bit of the inner moron peeking through?

A tidbit of conversation between him and I before he left yesterday....

Me - Are you going to be here tomorrow?

Him - Why? Does it matter?

Me- Yes. I need to know whether I can work on a project or not. I want to go through the locker mess and get it straightened out.

Him - Why does it matter if I'm here?

Me - You have a habit of consuming my time....

Him - (cutting me off) When have I ever asked you to stop what you are doing to do something else??


Him - Thats....

Me - I repeat, LIGHTBULBS.

Him - (slightly red faced) Better watch it, you'll be working in the greenhouse tomorrow.

Me - I have a feeling I will be working on my locker project.

Him - Better wear your underwear.

Me - My underwear??

Him - Yes... No.... You know what I meant.

Me - What exactly are you saying here??

He meant, long underwear. I used it to my full advantage.

Me - Your face is kind of red. Are you saying I'll be working on the locker project?

Him - Yes. Ok, I'm outta here. Have a good night.
It's a blizzard outside with white out conditions.
Posted:Feb 18, 2020 3:17 pm
Last Updated:Feb 20, 2020 3:03 pm

By all means, send me out in the storm to pick up your fucking light bulbs from Standard Electric.

Even better?

Tell me to ask for a guy named Gene when I get there.


Because Gene isn't going to know what in the hell I'm talking about and will call 2 sales guys and talk to a truck driver before he figures it out.

Boss #1 sent me out in the weather to pick up 4ft shatter resistant bulbs for one of our departments today. He TOLD me he had just gotten off the phone and they were expecting me.


When I showed up, I announced who I was and stated I was there to pick up the bulbs. The guy just stared at me. I then announced who I worked for and stated he had just talked to Gene on the phone.

I was talking to Gene. Gene picked up the phone and called a sales guy.

The sales guy has no idea what is going on.

I had no idea what was going on.

Turns out... My boss had indeed called, but did not explain where he was calling from or even tell the sales guy his name. He merely asked if they carried the bulbs and stated we would be right there.


I managed to finally get to the bottom of things and purchase the stupid bulbs, trecking my way back to work in the snowstorm.

My thanks?

In the afternoon meeting Boss #1 says to my coworker, "You can thank [secret_lade] for risking her life to get your lights."


Fucking Asshole
I had forgotten....
Posted:Feb 18, 2020 3:43 am
Last Updated:Feb 24, 2020 3:03 pm

But last night was a reminder.

I've been going to the gym daily since I started back up again.

It's safe to say, it is now part of my nightly routine. I was only part way through with cooking dinner when I looked at the time, and it was gym time.

"I don't know what to do. I want to go, but everything isn't done yet."

Oddly, my anxiety causes me to fret about TIME in general. I have routines based on things I do at certain times.

"Just go, we can eat when you get back."

Middle was at my place last night. I love him so much... He is my cool as a cucumber who can just roll with anything.

"Are you sure, I'll be gone for an hour?"


Changed into my gym stuff and off I went with my youngest spawn.

I knew the moment I got to the gym he was there.

You know who....

Obscene Groan Gym Guy.

Every gym has this guy.... He's the guy who is always at the weight machines, lifting as much as he can possible lift, spewing obscene grunts and groans into the world as if he had just reached the most intense orgasm to ever have been had.

My spawn was on facetime with her little bestie.

"Ew, what was that?"

I heard her little voice coming from the phone. I burst out laughing, trying to conceal it as much as possible

"We're at the gym. Some weirdo sounds like he's dying."

The Spawn was responding back, talking a little louder than I would have liked.


I hushed her. I honestly don't think anything could have been heard over Obscene Groan Gym Guy though.

I headed over to the treadmill and took my place while The Spawn sat on the floor in front of me sharing our experience with the bestie. We had been there for about 10 minutes when Obscene Groan Gym Guy ripped out a fart during a lift.

"I heard that."

The bestie's little voice shot out from the phone. I just shook my head and laughed.

I had forgotten why I don't take my with me to the gym.... I was soon reminded.
The coffee maker growled at me this morning.
Posted:Feb 17, 2020 3:55 am
Last Updated:Feb 18, 2020 2:39 pm

Should I be worried??

I stayed up too late last night....

It was kind of hard to pull myself of bed this morning. When I got of the shower I attempted to make a single cup of coffee....

On my third attempt, I actually succeeded.

Everything was a struggle, not going to lie. I discovered I didn't clean the filter yesterday morning, which meant I had to do that first. Stuck my cup in the cup spot and walked away to turn on the news.

After about 5 minutes of listening for that familiar gurgling coffee making sound, I glanced over at the maker to see if I'd missed the magical event and the coffee was already brewed.


Not even on. I neglected to the button before I walked away. OMG

Attempt #2

I walked over and the button, the maker proceeded to growl at me. I stepped back and laughed, thinking, I've been watching too many scary movies again. The weather was being covered so I popped into the living room to see what was in the forecast.

Snow. Ugh....

That familiar sound of the coffee brewing coming to a close.... I headed back into the kitchen eager for my go juice.

It was water.

I forgot to put the COFFEE in the filter. It's been a rough morning.

Attempt #3

Finally got my shit together. Coffee in filter, water in water spot, cup in cup spot. Thank fucking God, I don't think I can make it through this one more time. Hit the button and stood and stared until the coffee was completely brewed.

Time to start my day.

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